Attention men, I’m asking for three seconds of your time. Only three seconds. Why? These three powerful seconds could spark a revolution in young men’s mental health. Hear me out … 

There’s a lot we can learn about men’s mental health from the way men talk to each other. I’ve never actually counted but I would bet that another man asks me, “How are you?” at least 100 times in any given week. Friends, a stranger in the elevator or the barista at the coffee shop; the question is common. 97 out of 100 times, I answer with some variation of good, great, fine or okay. Based on these numbers, that means I’m doing great, good, fine or okay 97 percent of the time!? No way.  There’s no way I feel that good that much of the time. In fact, there are times—even in the moment I’m answering the question—that I know I’m being dishonest in my reply. So, if I’m not doing good, great, fine or okay, then why don’t I just say so?

It’s not news to young men that there’s a stigma around mental struggle. There is an even greater stigma with having a mental illness like depression or anxiety. Most young men have been (and continue to be) bombarded with the message that healthy masculinity requires strength, stability, positivity and confidence. The message is so pervasive for these young men that it’s hard for them to even imagine a world where this isn’t true Because of this powerful messaging, young men look at mental struggle as a sign of weakness, fragility and failure. Many hide their mental struggle from others and feel alone. Many young men feel expressing mental struggle and vulnerability will drive others away, especially other men. So, we men perpetuate this message by habitually saying “good” every time someone asks how we’re doing.  Wherever and whenever this problem started, we keep it going. It’s time to break this habit. It’s time for a revolution in men’s mental health—a revolution brought about by a simple change in behavior.

The Three-Second Pause

Here’s my ask: The next time another man asks, “How are you?” I want you to pause for three seconds. And in that powerful pause, block the automatic, “Good, you?” and quickly reflect on what you are actually feeling so you can give that response instead. 

Now, I know many will imagine this making for a very awkward conversation. I totally get it. We have trained others to expect “good” and when we switch it up, it’s possible they’ll be surprised. Here are some recommendations for making the conversation less awkward but still revolutionizing. 

Phrases To Say Instead of “I’m Fine”

Let the person know you are trying something new. You might say: “Hey, I know I’m usually quick with ‘I’m good’ but I’m trying to be more reflective and honest. I’m trying to change how we speak about young adult men’s mental health. So, if I’m being honest, it’s a tougher day than most and I’m wrestling with some discouragement.” 

Recognize that emotional states are complex and it is possible to have (and communicate to others) multiple emotions at the same time—even contradictory emotions. You might say: “Today’s a rougher day than most and I’m wrestling with some discouragement. At the same time, I also feel hopeful—hopeful the discouragement will pass and that I’ll be able to hang on until it does.” 

Build an emotional vocabulary. One reason men don’t often talk about feelings is we don’t have the words to describe how we feel.  It can be helpful to build up your emotional vocabulary. Instead of “good” or “not good,” perhaps you try the words alienated, indifferent, suspicious, invigorated, restless, composed, baffled, weary, openhearted, disgusted, mellow, numb or playful.  Interestingly, strengthening our feeling-words vocabulary can improve our emotional awareness.

Share what you are doing to cope with difficult emotions. A lot of men don’t share what they’re feeling because they don’t want the other person to feel they have to take care of them.  (This is a point for another article.) In this case, share your feelings and what you’re doing to cope with the feeling. You might say: “Today’s a rougher day than most and I’m wrestling with some discouragement. Sometimes, when I feel this way, I find just putting words to it helps so thanks for letting me share this with you. I’ve also planned to spend some time outside today, which often brightens my spirit on days like this.” 

Say thank you for the chance to practice your new way of responding. You might say: “I’m still learning to be more open with how I’m really doing when someone asks how I’m doing. My response might have surprised you. I appreciate you listening, and I hope you’ll try it out for yourself the next time someone asks you how you’re doing.”  

1…. 2…. 3 seconds is all it can take to commit to responding differently to the simple question, “How are you?”  In your response—in your vulnerability and honesty—you might become a role model for another young man. And in those three seconds, you will have been part of a revolution in young men’s mental health.

for further study

• Dr. Adam Dorsay TEDx Talk: This is a short 15-minute inspirational video about men and emotions. There is a lot of great information about why men don’t share feelings and why learning to share them could be a roadmap to success.  
• Moodmeterapp.com: Mood Meter is an app that helps develop emotional awareness (knowing what your feeling) and emotional vocabulary (knowing what words to use to describe your feelings). Think of Mood Meter as an emotional literacy workout app!
• Jedfoundation.org: The JED Foundation inspires teens, young adults and communities to protect emotional health and prevent suicide. 
• For more mental health articles, visit peermag.org/mentalhealth-moments. 

This article was originally titled “Three Seconds” in the September 2023 issue of Peer.