“Hi friend! How are you?”

The text turns up on my phone like clockwork. Ever since I lived abroad last year, my friend Connie has made a conscious effort to check in with me every day. It began when I was navigating a new city and she gave me her phone number “just in case.” 

The text turns up on my phone like clockwork. Ever since I lived abroad last year, my friend Connie has made a conscious effort to check in with me every day. It began when I was navigating a new city and she gave me her phone number “just in case.” 

After a concert and a random phone call when I forgot my wallet, Connie was well on her way to becoming one of my “core” friends.

Friendship is something I have always struggled with. I went through my school years seesawing between clinginess and resistance, not willing to compromise my beliefs but also desperately wanting to find my tribe. When school finished, I settled into my introverted routine of church, work, university and equated friendship with the people I saw most frequently.

So I was very upset when my sister began bringing home 15+ loud, obnoxious friends every other night. They were from a Pentecostal church, and the only thing louder than their voices was their laughter. I came home from work, exhausted and offended by their presence.

It’s ironic now. Those people went on to become my best friends. Why? Because they kept showing up.

The same thing has happened numerous times over the years that I’ve traveled. People have taught me that friendship is less about proximity and more about accepting others for who they are. We see Jesus first enact this radical type of community.

“It’s not selfish to have different circles of friendship—Jesus showed us that it’s actually the way to best show love for others, God and ourselves.”

Jesus’ Squad

Instead of choosing disciples who were the religious elite and would boost His “credibility,” He chose people for their sincerity and zeal. Matthew was a tax collector. Peter, an outspoken Galilean. Mary Magdalene, a prostitute. And Jesus? He was a low-class carpenter from Nazareth.

I’ve heard people say that the real miracle of Jesus and His disciples isn’t that they traveled around together for three years—it’s that Jesus had 12 best friends. Twelve. Not to mention His friends and acquaintances who He would visit from town to town, but also the strangers who would approach Him in the street who never seemed to “get” His ministry.

The thought of having that many people in my social circles is enough to make me build a blanket fort and hide from the world. Yet somehow, Jesus continually showed up for His friends, made time for His acquaintances and openly accepted new people into His circles of friendship.

As I’ve traveled, my circle of friends has broadened and I’ve begun to appreciate the wisdom Jesus had in choosing His core friends. We can mirror this by living with three spheres of friendship. Think of these spheres like circles progressively getting smaller as they lie within each other. And as we grow closer to someone, they come nearer to our core. Understanding this gives us three keys to choosing our core friends.

Sphere 1: Our Core Friends

Being the smallest circle, you will only have a handful of people in this zone. They are the people we can be authentically real with and who share similar values with us. You know someone is in your core group if you both show a commitment to being available to each other. A good core friend won’t make unrealistic demands of you, but will accept you as you are and be honest. For Jesus, this was John, Peter and his brother James.

Sphere 2: Our “Real” Friends

Core friends come from our real friends. They are the people we’ve “done life with” for months and years. We overcome obstacles and celebrate milestones together, and genuinely care for one another. Real friends don’t always rely on seeing each other every week. They know their connection is deep enough to pick up where they left off and will try to prioritize them after their core friends. For Jesus, this was the rest of His disciples, the Marys, Martha and Lazarus.

Sphere 3: Our Wider Community

Our wider community is our most open circle and essentially what the Church is meant to be—accepting to outsiders, supportive of those inside and steadfast in building each other up. You may have a mentoring relationship, work colleague or acquaintance that falls in this category. Some people in this circle will want to grow closer to you and become a core friend, but can’t necessarily do so because of the nature of your relationship or because you have limited energy.

It’s not selfish to have different circles of friendship—Jesus showed us that it’s actually the way to best show love for others, God and ourselves.    If you are uncertain about where someone falls in your circles of friendship, ask yourself these questions:

“How much time am I willing to give to this friendship—and is this reciprocated?”

“How secure do I feel around this person?”

“Does this person bring out the best in me, and I them?”

True friends are a gift from God, so let’s enjoy building solid, core relationships with them. “The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” (Proverbs 27:9).

FOR FURTHER STUDY

It’s impossible to have a healthy friendship unless we know our own value. By acknowledging that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” as God’s child, we realize that our time and energy is sacred. We are “cliquey” if we are insecure or arrogant, but a person who is settled in their worth will be open, accepting and have strong boundaries. 

Explore:

• Jesus Through Middle Eastern Eyes by Kenneth E Bailey 
• The Real Jesus Then and Now by Geza Vermes
• In the Fullness of Time by Paul L Maier

Read:

• “4 Ways to Set and Keep Your Personal Boundaries” on Psychology Today at bit.ly/2Lierhu.

Listen:

• “Scary Close” by Don Miller
• “The Four Loves” by C.S. Lewis
• “Boundaries” by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend