Just under the surface of nearly every TikTok twerk, Instabrag or Snap streak is the cry of every generation—does anyone see me, does anyone know me and most importantly, am I loved? We might be going about getting these needs met in very wrong and harmful ways but the cry to be seen, known and loved is so powerful that we’d rather settle for counterfeit versions, poisonous doses of these things than nothing at all. It is this very cry of our heart, however, that can open the door to true love. 

Millions of people all over the world have been helped by Dr. Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages.” The “5 Love Languages” are physical touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. Over the years, I have come to believe that these Love Languages reveal something deep, even eternal, about each and every person. They reveal our deepest longings to be seen, known and loved.

Understanding Our Hearts

Even though we often have a hard time understanding our own heart, our hearts drive us. For reasons we don’t fully understand, our daily thoughts and decisions are all fueled by what I call “Heart Hopes.” Just like the five Love Languages, there are five driving Heart Hopes. They are: 

1. Do I belong?
2. Am I known?
3. Do I have worth?
4. Am I making a difference?
5. Am I seen?

These Heart Hopes determine much of what we do and how we value our own self-worth. These Heart Hopes often are in relationship with the Love Languages. Take the 5 Love Languages test and then consider how your results connect with your Heart Hope.

1. Do I belong? — Physical Touch 
2. Am I known? — Quality Time 
3. Do I have worth? — Gifts 
4. Am I making a difference? — Acts of Service 
5. Am I seen? — Words of Affirmation 

Based on your Love Language, the way you receive and like to express love, you will likely be driven by the associated Heart Hope above. This is so incredibly powerful because it is key to understanding our hearts and how to truly experience love, to feel love both in relationship with others and with God! Once we understand why we do the things we do, what drives us, we can better understand how to live into the healthiest version of ourselves.

Let’s Get Practical

Let’s take just one of the Heart Hope/Love Language combinations: Am I known?/Quality Time. A person who experiences love through quality time is almost always driven by the Heart Hope, “Am I known?” These people don’t want popularity so much as to be known intimately by a few. They are usually loyalists and make for great best friends. 

1. Being Our Best Self  

Just like all the Love Language/Heart Hope combinations, however, there is an ugly side, a broken version of our type. With the “Am I known?/quality time” types, they can often give into lesser versions of themselves, settling for time with others that can be destructive because they want so desperately to be known and to know deeply. These people can have a hard time letting go, even when they know it is for the best. They can stay too long in an abusive or manipulative relationship, believing they can change someone through their loyalty. These people need to remember that true love does not come at the expense of their wellbeing; being known deeply includes self-love, respect and mutuality. These people need to spend quality time with others who are safe, who respect them and who bring out the best in them.

2. Bringing God into the Picture 

Ultimately, our desire to be seen, known and loved finds its deepest fulfillment in a relationship with God. God is fluent in all of our Love Languages because He is love! He wants to spend quality time with us, and we can do this through prayer, reading the Bible or singing to Him. He gives us words of affirmation, telling us that we are precious and that He is near to the brokenhearted. God loves us intimately; He sees us as we are and He knows us to our core. Consider opening your heart to God by investing in the Bible. One creative way to do this is to listen to the words of the Bible through Streetlights, a creative audio-only Bible reading app set to diverse voices and hip-hop sounds. The Bible will change your life, helping you see your best self in the context of a relationship with the God who created you!   

For Further Study

• Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman: A podcast discussion with Dr. Gary Chapman and York Moore, “Seen. Known. Loved. — York Moore.” 
• Do Something Beautiful by York Moore
• Tellthestory.net: York Moore’s website for speaker and conference videos