Forgive and forget.

With most infractions, that’s no big deal. When it’s an accident or a minor inconvenience, or the offending party is truly sorry, or it’s just not worth our energy to hold a grudge, we can shake it off, let it go, move on with life. Seventy times seven, my guy. We are good.

There are other kinds of offenses, though, that are harder to forgive. Some of us have gone through hurts so overwhelming, they have been woven into the fabric of our being and have changed the trajectory of our lives. They have created wounds in us so deep, so jagged, so festering, we don’t know that we will ever completely heal. Someone stole something from us we can never get back: our joy in a certain season of life, our trust, our innocence, our dignity. That moment may have changed everything, and getting over it, or even moving through it, may seem impossible.

Forgive and forget? Yeah, right.

Instead, when someone injures us, we tend to activate our fight-or-flight response. Some of us strap on our anger like body armor, letting our hurt turn into hate. Where thoughts of forgiveness may invoke feelings of weakness or vulnerability, anger makes us feel tough, impenetrable and in control. Others of us hide away, wrapping ourselves so tightly in loneliness that no one can get close enough to hurt us again. We find ways to isolate or escape or avoid our pain, believing all these reactions are justified by what we’ve been through. 

What if we could know the profound healing that forgiveness brings? It’s important to note that forgiving someone does not mean sweeping the issue under the rug or pretending like it did not matter. It is not about excusing behavior or diminishing what we have been through. The pain we have endured is valid and real, but forgiveness allows us to acknowledge our pain without feeding it. Deciding to forgive someone allows us to release the bitterness that threatens to take root in our hearts. What happened to us was not our fault, but what we do with that experience moving forward is up to us. We can hang on to the hostility for the rest of our lives, or we can let it go and let our pain have a purpose. In the freedom of forgiveness, we may find that God can use the very worst moments in our lives to draw us closer to Him, to make us stronger or to prepare us to be the exact person someone else needs in a moment of crisis.

What do we do if the person who so badly hurt us does not deserve forgiveness? What if they are not even sorry for what they did? What if they have gone on to hurt other people?  

Being asked to forgive someone who has not earned our forgiveness feels unfair. Shouldn’t we be allowed to hate them? Shouldn’t it be fine for us to wish they would hurt as much as they hurt us? Haven’t we earned the right to allow our thoughts to be consumed by what they did and what they deserve in return?

With forgiveness, it’s really not so much about the other person as it is about us. It isn’t a favor we do for someone. Forgiving someone may not change their behavior, and in fact, forgiveness does not even necessarily mean restoration for the relationship. When hurtful conduct against us is repetitive or abusive, allowing that relationship to continue may be unwise or unsafe. It is possible to set up necessary boundaries or even make the decision to no longer allow someone to be in your life, and still forgive them for the hurt they caused you in your past.

Even when our grudge is warranted, even when society would promote revenge and resentment, living in unforgiveness will never benefit us. Holding on to anger rarely affects the person who hurt us, but it does take a toll on our spiritual and mental health. We will find it very hard to grow past our pain if we are still carrying the weight of bitterness.

When Jesus is teaching His closest followers how to pray, He reminds them to forgive as they have been forgiven. He says this, knowing full well how much betrayal will hurt and how much forgiveness will cost. He also knows in order for us to understand the full measure of His grace, we have to forgive as He forgave.

So how do we start? We acknowledge that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It may not happen all at once, old wounds may still flare up, and we may struggle through the process, but deciding to forgive is the first step toward freedom.

For further reflection

• Read: Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst
• Listen: Exploring My Strange Bible (The Bible Project) Forgiveness: Gospel of Matthew, Episode 26